2003-02-24 - 1:41 p.m.
Once again, I find myself in the library, at the computer, doing nothing productive.
I'm not so sure what a nervous breakdown is like, because I'm positive I've never had one before.... but recently, I feel like I'm going to have one. I don't know whether I want to avoid it, or if I'm welcoming it. Part of me feels that maybe if it DOES happen, I'll be forced to take a break from school. Or maybe my mom will still make me go to school, even if my brain explodes (or would it implode? I have no clue). I don't want to spend more time in school, but at the same time, I'm at the point where I feel I won't be able to handle a normal load of classes, in a normal fashion.
I look back at my Freshman year of college, and I remember having 8 classes my first semester. Only three of those classes were Performance classes... the rest had work to be turned in. I went through that pretty easily. My second semester, I had 9 classes, with the same three Performance classes. I got through that pretty easily, too. As the years went by, I got lazier. Lazier, or less motivated, either way, I wasn't doing as much work as I should have been doing. My year in Louisiana State University was a very nice break from the regular run of school. I didn't have such a huge focus on the classes there because I wasn't there as a Music Major; I was there to take fun classes and to enjoy a new place.
This semester, I signed up for 9 classes, which three of those would have assignments to turn in. The rest were Performance classes. I'm dropping American Studies, which brings it to two classes that have assignments to turn in. Why am I so frustrated with only two classes? Why is it making me stressed out? I don't know. I can't figure it out....
I sit at home and stare at my computer monitor, listening to WinAmp shuffle and repeat the same songs over and over again. I know I have work to do, and I know it's already late, but what do I do? I stare at the monitor. I go through the routine of checking e-mail, then checking to see if I still have money in my bank account, then windowshopping online... all while chatting with a few people, or sometimes none at all. There are times when I literally stare at the monitor when there's nothing on it.
What's wrong with me?
And where can I buy some motivation? I need lots of that.
I've said it before... if I stick to a strict school schedule, I can get out of school in Fall 2003. The way things are going for me right now, that will be changing to Spring 2004. I don't want to, but I don't know what to do about getting motivated to do the work that is necessary to pass my classes.
I look around and see people who graduate in four years, sometimes less. I see people who don't ever stress over any of their classes, and LOVE going to school. I know of some people who are in their 40s, going back to school and loving it.
I recall losing the love of school back around 7th grade.
I really want to take a break. Maybe not even a real break, but to just attend school part-time, to lighten the stress from multiple classes. At the point where I'm at right now, I'm worried about Botany class. I had an Abstract due on Thursday. An Abstract is a summary of a scientific journal article that is 1200-1400 words long. What the HELL kind of summary THAT is supposed to be, I don't know... but I can't question it, or it'll be my grade. Actually, it IS my grade. It's late. I didn't do it yet. I haven't even started. I don't even know what I want to do the Abstract on. I have to pick a plant, find a journal article, and be able to find a long enough article that will give me a summary of 1200 words.
By the way, not that I like plants more or less than animals, but I didn't want to take Biology because I don't really want to cut up a pig fetus or anything like that. I have no problems looking at prepared slides of willow roots and leaves.
I also have my Wind Literature Midterm this Friday, which I haven't started studying for. I'm going to die.
I don't know what to do.